Or maybe just buy it on Amazon…
Come along with me as I share my 50 easy steps to creating your own felt Christmas tree. Also, real quick, can we just take a moment to talk about how weird it is that DIY is its own verb now? I mean, I wouldn’t say “Do it yourself a felt Christmas tree.” That sentence is dumb and doesn’t make sense. On one hand, it’s cool that acronyms/words evolve the way they do. On the other hand, you can really end up down the rabbit hole on thoughts like this…
I digress. On to the instructions!
- Spend approximately one month scrolling Amazon for felt Christmas trees. During this time, repeatedly put one in your cart, then move it to Save for Later. You should do this 8-27 times. Tell yourself that you could make one for less money. Consider that maybe $16 isn’t a lot to spend on a felt tree but you could *totally* make one for less than $10.
- Make a ridiculous decision and decide that approximate $6 is worth it, and commit to making your own.
- Spend a week telling yourself “Tomorrow I’m going to the craft store” before actually going to the craft store.
- Go to Michael’s. Realize you aren’t the only one with this dope idea when you see that literally every shade of green felt in anything bigger than the size of a piece of computer paper is sold out. Grab a couple of random pieces of felt for the ornaments and star. Not too many though, we’re not going to go over board here. Make sure a couple are sparkly. Because Christmas.
- Grab a couple of felt “ornaments” while in line because HAHA SUCKER THEY GOT YOU. Realize later they aren’t ornaments, they’re gift card holders. Whatever. They’re still felt.
- Go to JoAnn’s. Actually, stay in the car because your toddler is feeling sassy and you don’t want to take her into another store. Send your kind mother in to get green felt. Ask for three feet.
- See your mother come out with bag that appears to have a large amount of green felt in it.
- Realize your mother bought three *yards* of green felt and not three *feet*.
- Debate through laughter with mother in parking lot about whether you actually said “yards” or “feet” or whether she just misheard you. Laugh hysterically when you realize she told the nice fabric-cutting-lady she was getting it so you could make a felt tree, because fabric-cutting-lady probably thinks you live in some giant mansion with this stupidly large felt tree you have planned. Side note: this is the step wherein your DIY felt tree actually becomes more expensive than the one you almost ordered on Amazon a hundred times. It turns out three yards of felt is pricey.
- Get home and leave fabric in the bag for a couple days. No rush. Let it haunt you while you do other chores around the house.
- Wait for toddler to go to bed one night, get excited about making this tree she’s going to love, and get to it.
- Cut three-ish feet of the green felt off. Draw a tree on it and cut the tree out.
- Refine tree after you cut it out so the sides look somewhat even.
- Look at your tree and state “This looks like a cartoon lady with a rice hat on.” Mentally conjure up some made-up woman that looks like she just walked out of Harvest Moon. Decide to try the tree thing again because you have forty hundred yards of green felt.
- Cut another three-foot square.
- Stare at the square waiting for the tree shape to speak to you, until your mother points out if you fold it in half you would save time and have symmetrical sides.
- Judge yourself for not thinking of that folding step.
- Draw one triangle under another, making the lower ones bigger than the ones above, to get that nice tree shape. Cut along the lines for tree.
- Open tree and realize it has basically no center because you didn’t account for an actual tree shape. Stare at sickly-looking tree angrily.
- Realize your idea to hang tree on a string and a command hook is dumb because your tree is would just flop into itself.
- Exclaim “Fuck these trees! I’m done for the night” and throw all pieces back into the bag.
- Repeat Step 10. During this time, buy double-sided command tape.
- Conjure up the courage to try again, but this time try it in the basement because the floor is flat. (Note that the flatness of the floor had absolutely nothing to do with why your first two trees looked so shitty.)
- Take the last remaining piece of green felt and decide to go big or go home. Fold the fabric in half and draw your tree shape.
- Repeat step 18 but make them poofier, and less triangle-y.
- Celebrate! You made a tree that looks like a tree! Good thing your
mom accidentally got you 16 million feet of green felt!
- Bring tree to hang up upstairs then realize it doesn’t have a trunk like the ones online but you can’t just press the trunk on because it shouldn’t come off. Get mad. Ask mom for help.
- Employ mom to sew trunk onto stupid tree.
- Set tree aside when you decide not to hang it until you cut out the ornaments – for full crafty effect.
- Let’s make some ornaments!
- Balls are easy (heh). Ruin one of your toddler’s cups by using it along with permanent marker to make said balls. Throw in some doofy-looking candy canes and bows with the extra space while you’re at it.
- Trace a star.
- Edit the star shape 1-4 times before cutting it out because HOLY SHIT WHY IS SO HARD TO MAKE A DECENT STAR?
- Stare at brown felt, unsure of what to use it for because brown is ugly and you don’t want it to ruin your beautiful tree. Settle on reindeer.
- Google “easy reindeer silhouette” for some ideas because this does not come naturally.
- Make a vaguely reindeer shape and edit it 1-4 times before cutting it out.
- Ask mom and husband if reindeer resembles reindeer. Send them very clear ESP to agree that they look like reindeer not matter what they actually think.
- Celebrate again! All the pieces are cut out! Now it’s time to hang it!
- Employ mom to help you hang the tree.
- Spend 15 minutes trying to hang using the double-sided hanging tape. Get mad and comment that you just needed sticky tack and you swore you had some.
- Wait for mom to locate stick tack in basement.
- Spend 15 minutes carefully using sticky tack to hang tree. Twitch at the thought that toddler might just rip the tree down within minutes of seeing it.
- Stick ornaments to tree, including the penguin and snowman gift card holders. It’s not like your kid will know they’re not actually ornaments.
- Go to sleep, excited to show your toddler in the morning.
- Wake up your visiting mom early so she can see your toddler’s reaction to the tree. Make sure to start coffee maker before waking up anyone.
- Get toddler out of bed and bring her downstairs, excitedly leading her to the tree.
- Rejoice! She thinks it’s awesome! Watch her play with the tree and ornaments for 20+ minutes and consider it a success.
- Pay close attention to toddler’s interaction to tree for next week to help determine if it was worth it or not. Realize toddler enjoys the tree but also it’s not the highlight of her life. Still feel good for making a thing because hey, you tried. Good on ya, mate.
- Find some joy in the fact that you followed through on a craft, and make a mental note to save this tree until your toddler becomes an adult and moves out because you’re getting your damn money’s worth.
- Tell everyone that compliments your tree or mentions making their own that they should really just buy one on Amazon.
Labor (NH minimum wage $7.25 x 2 hours): $14.50
Research and Development (NH minimum wage $7.25 x 7 hours): $50.75
Total Estimated Investment for Tree: $100.25
Did I mention Amazon has an ass ton of these for sale…?